In a rut? Grumbling about all the nonsense in your life? Switch to decaf and
lighten up a bit. Easier said then done, eh? Well, give these jokes and quotes a
read. They should do the trick.
1. Rodney Dangerfield - With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on
her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
2. George Bush - I'm not the expert on how the Iraqi people think, because I
live in America, where it's nice and safe and secure.
3. Steven Wright - Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have
film.
4. W.C. Fields - was a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to
thank her.
5. Dave Attell - Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call
those people the cops. But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those
kids gotta get to school!
6. Steven Wright - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research.
7. Rodney Dangerfield - My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked
and now she's afraid of the light.
8. George Bush - One of the common denominators I have found is that
expectations rise above that which is expected.
9. Bill Maher - Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for
sex.
10. Rodney Dangerfield - I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample
it had an olive in it.
11. Jerry Seinfield - Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not
color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
12. Dave Attell - You ever get drunk and pass out... or as I call it 'time
travel'?
13. Dave Attell - Man, you've gone from social drinker to alcoholic really
quickly.
14. Jay Leno - In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by
lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word 'peace.' Right idea, wrong
president.
15. Steven Wright - Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
At the end of the day, we all usually need a good laugh. Hopefully, the above
quotes and jokes provided it. If not, there are tons of sites with them, so get
to clicking!
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